My dad and I were watching a TV show about how different foods are made, and the topic of that episode was cheese and processed cheese. Processed cheese includes cheesy spreads, such as Cheese Whiz, as well as American singles. We were absolutely appalled by the contents of processed cheese and process it undergoes, so my dad decided to set up a little experiment.

It’s now time for… “IS IT REALLY CHEESE?”!!!!!!!!

Experiment Title: IS IT REALLY CHEESE? - Processed Cheese
Hypothesis: Processed cheese is hardly cheese, if cheese at all
Assumptions: Rodents know cheese

We tried very hard to set up a double-blind experiment and for our experimental process to meet the regular expectations of the scientific community; unfortunately, the only rodent available was Claire, so we had to make do with what we had. Claire was used because of her experience with many cheeses–although a sharp New York State cheddar like from the Collosse Cheese Factory, will satisfy her palate, she prefers to dine on more exquisite cheeses, such as Gouda, Edam, or preferably Brie.

First, my dad took a test sample of cheddar and administered it to Claire. Claire woofed it down without even thinking and begged for more. Next, my dad took a standard test size of a less-strong cheddar and administered it to Claire. Claire stomached it, though she did not like it as much as stronger cheddars, and begged for more.

Then, my dad attempted to administer a piece of an KRAFT(R)(TM)(C)(SM) American single to Claire. Claire hesitantly approached the foreign substance, smelled it, rubbed her nose on it, scratched at it, and then threw it out of the cage.

Dad: Well I’ll be… if a rat won’t eat processed cheese then I sure as heck won’t!

There you have it, folks, this proves that processed cheese is not in fact real cheese!

Ingredients:

• 4 tomatoes, chunked bite-size
• 2 cucumbers, peeled and chunked bite-size
• 1/2 yellow onion, cut into spear-shaped slices
• Most of a can of black olives
• Olive oil
• 1/2 pack of Athenos feta cheese (moist kind… with the white watery substance in the package), half-inch cubes
• Taragon and salt to taste

Mix in a large bowl. Sample regularly to make sure you have enough taragon and not too much salt. The salt is needed to bring juices out of the cucumbers and tomatoes to make the “dressing”, which is what makes everything taste so DARN good! Too much salt will taste nasty.

Refrigerate until ready to serve. This is best served ice cold. It tastes best after sitting in the fridge for a day or two to let all the juices and flavors blend.

Great for a picnic or as a dish to pass!

Krista and I visited my grandma and grandpa’s up in Watkins Glen, where I talked about the farm a little, showed her the horses, and introduced her to some of my family. While sitting around the table with my grandma and grandpa and listening to stories of the old races and the rock concert that was at the racetrack many years ago, Krista and I overheard the following very valuable marriage advice…

Grandpa: “No, that wasn’t them.”
Grandma: “Yes it was”
Grandpa: “No, I’m pretty sure that wasn’t who it was”
Grandma: “Yes it was”
Grandpa: “No… Okay, I’m sorry, you’re absolutely right. Pat, never argue with your wife”

It was actually very funny how humble and calm they were while arguing. They didn’t raise their voices, they didn’t get upset or hyper… they just disagreed and went about it in a very civilized and relaxed manner. After having been married for so many years, I thought, they must be experts at how to properly communicate disagreement! Later, I reminded Krista of their conversation…

Me: [repeats the conversation quoted above]
Krista: “Great advice if I do say so myself…”

Well, folks, I guess I better keep the following moral of this story in mind: there is only one effective way to survive through disagreements in marriage… always go along with everything your wife says!

I opened the fridge to find a very special treasure inside… sugar-free canned lemonade?! Usually canned lemonade is nasty, so I decided to give it a try.

To my surprise, it was actually fantastic and extremely refreshing! I chugged one can down and looked forward to chugging my second one. I got about halfway through the second one, but almost choked with the following realization: SUGAR-FREE THINGS NEVER TASTE GOOD!

I decided to see what Minute Maid did to make their artificially-sweetened lemonade taste good, so I took a peek at the ingredients. In my opinion, lemonade is supposed to contain just water, lemons, and some form of a sweetener, such as sugar. Apparently Minute Maid disagrees…

Ingredients: pure* filtered water, lemon juice from concentrate, less than 0.5% of natural flavors, citric acid (provides tartness) [the lemons don't do that?], potassium citrate (regulates tartness) [don't you usually just watch the lemon:water ratio?], modified cornstarch [in what way is it modified?], glycerol ester of wood rosin [I don't remember wood or anything like that in my grandma's recipe], sodium hexametaphosphate and sodium benzoate and potassium sorbate and calcium disodium EDTA (to protect taste) [that's a lot of "and then"'s to protect taste... isn't EDTA a pesticide or somethign?], aspartame [okay, that sounds familiar... glad to know there actually is a sweetener in this and the sweet flavor isn't just a byproduct of my tastebuds dying], acesulfame potassium [no explanation needed?], sucralose [another sweetener is really necessary?], yellow #5 [it's in an opaque can... does it really matter what color it is?]

*The purity of the water might have negligible effects on the overall health risk associated with consuming this product due to the other chemicals that are present.

Me: “hello, Fluxbox, i just installed a program. do you have menus updated by that piece of software?”
Fluxbox: “i am sleek. i know not of your software.”
Me: “oh, i see… so, how am i supposed to run my programs? isn’t that the window manager’s job?”
Fluxbox: “with time comes wisdom. you have the power to control the experience you have in my presence. feel free to live your full potential.”
Me: “right… so, i’ll just configure your menus manually and now i’ll run firefox… oh, wait, why is everything so ugly?”
Fluxbox: “i do not modify the pure essence that is GTK. you must bend GTK according to your wishes. i am sleek. i am not bloated by assuming anything about your lifestyle.”
Me: “but, i don’t know how to install GTK themes manually!”
Fluxbox: “with time comes wisdom.”