It had been so long since the last time and my memory was starting to fail me. How did I make it so long without being reminded of the destruction that occurred on this occasion before? Was I really that creative in assembling outfits that I could avoid it this long, or that uncivilized? Wasn’t the night of the last time unseasonably warm as well, foreboding the unexpected terror of that night? “No time to revisit that,” I thought, “since I need to hurry and make preparations!” This time, I didn’t want to lose loved ones or have families of socks divided at the wrath of the Laundry–nor did I want wrinkles scarring my clothing from the horrors of the Laundry Day the week before.

“I’ll return shortly, guys. Please stick together this time. Remember, the safest way to get through this with no mistakes is to use the Buddy System, wash the colors and whites together using detergent only (so we don’t accidentally bleach the colors), and to wait for me right here. I’ll be back in thirty-eight minutes exactly to transfer you to the dryer, and then another sixty minutes after that to quickly fold you and get you back to safety. Ready? TEAM!” I knew I had covered all that could be expected, and I proceeded to find something to eat; however, in the depths of my being I sensed that, should the unexpected occur again as it did on that very similar night of yore, all the preparations of the world could not resist the inevitable.

Everything went smoothly during the transitional stages of Checkpoint A. I drove across town to take care of some final preparations before returning to fold and retrieve my flock. At one point, on my way back to the Laundry, I needed to hop out of my faithful Jeep for a quick second. I left it running so its continued warmth could combat the now slightly-frigid, damp air (I did not bother to place my jacket upon my back for such a quick encounter with the elements). The air had changed–and so had my luck.

I returned to my vehicle, only to find that the door had somehow become locked. Was it someone out of the night? Had that manipulative lock bud tickled out of my funny bone an unfortunate nudge? “I just need to stay calm,” I thought. “After all, I always carry a spare key! This is no problem at all!” I couldn’t have been more wrong.

I reached into my pocket only to find that the holy, beat-up old pair of jeans I had put on just for the occasion had failed me. The pocket that previously provided a safe haven for my spare key had become the instrument for its doom. Indeed, this pair of Laundry Day jeans had acquired an additional hole–right in the pocket! I cried out, “No! How could you do this to me, my old friend?”

My pants replied, “I have only betrayed you as you had betrayed me, leaving me with the others you hardly wear anymore.”

My heart and mind quickly returned to my beloved facing the Laundry. I exclaimed, “Beware of the lint trap! It’s a trap!” What if I did not get back in time to save them from the wrinkles of agony? The mildew of despair? It surely was too far to walk, and with my jacket locked inside my over-heating Jeep, I would freeze to death if I tried. Oh, the terrible irony!

I had but minutes to safely retrieve my flock before their suffering commenced. I was trapped on the opposite side of town from the Laundry, and the opposite side of town from an evening meeting, and the only thing separating me from freedom was a thin pane of glass. Just then, just enough light descended from Heaven to illuminate the resting place of my spare key. I swooped it up, hopped in my Jeep, and raced against the clock, making it just in the nick of time. After folding, I gleefully galloped to Downtown for fellowship with my friends.

Accustomed to crazy adventures like these only while visiting big cities, I never before would have guessed the potential for one right here in my own back yard! And this, my friends, is a perfect example of my trademark way for a man to testify that he is, in fact, really called for marriage after all–in normal, day-to-day activities (like doing the laundry) he finds he simply cannot function without a helper to correct him, regardless of his level of sense or intelligence! (That is, of course, after God has revealed marriage for the man to be a part of His Purpose.)

Ever since our shower faucet was leaking and caused both our bathroom walls and ceiling to grow mold and our drain to clog with mineral deposits, my roommate and I have been without a usable bathroom for over a week and have been referring to our campus’s gym facilities for bathing and going to the bathroom, awaiting even acknowledgment of the problem by our landlord.

This experience has made us very fortunate because we have once again discovered our loves of swimming while sneaking a dip whenever we use the pool showers. We’ve enjoyed a normal swim for several visits now; however, one day, our naive vision of a perfect amphibious Utopia was suddenly shattered by the discovery of this little fellow who was not also a member of our supreme species:

My roommate dove to the very bottom of twelve leagues of sea at the deep end to scare him to the surface. When this little fellow saw my roommate quickly approaching, he let out a huge gasp–which proved to be his ultimate mistake. He subsequently had to rise after letting out all if his air supply in terror, where we flopped him out of the pool using my roommate’s flippers and scooped him up in a cup.

Afraid he might escape in the interim, we brought our new friend along to Wal*Mart while we bought preparations for his new living quarters. In a kind-of reverse-Stockholm Syndrome manner, we have fallen in love with our little captive.

We now get great thrill watching him hunt flies that we capture for him.

As my grandfather used to always say…

Grandfather: “The early bird calls the kettle black.”

As my grandfather used to always say…

Grandfather: “Birds of a feather put their eggs in one basket.”

As my grandfather used to always say…

Grandfather: “A rolling stone leads to Rome.”

Here’s an interesting article about a substance that is widely found as a natural and artificial byproduct, and yet kills thousands of people every year:

“BAN DIHYDROGEN MONOXIDE – THE INVISIBLE KILLER!
Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year.
What are the dangers of Dihydrogen Monoxide?
Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death.
Dihydrogen Monoxide Facts
Dihydrogen monoxide:

* is also known as hydric acid, and is the major component of acid rain.
* contributes to the Greenhouse Effect.
* may cause severe burns.
* contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
* accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
* may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes.
* has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.

Dihydrogen Monoxide Alerts
Contamination is reaching epidemic proportions!

Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. In the midwest alone DHMO has caused millions of dollars of property damage.
Dihydrogen Monoxide Uses
Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:

* as an industrial solvent and coolant.
* in nuclear power plants.
* in the production of styrofoam.
* as a fire retardant.
* in many forms of cruel animal research.
* in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical.
* as an additive in certain junk-foods and other food products.

Stop the horror – Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide
Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!

THE HORROR MUST BE STOPPED!

The American government has refused to ban the production, distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its importance to the economic health of this nation. In fact, the navy and other military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use.

IT’S NOT TOO LATE!

Act NOW to prevent further contamination. Find out more about this dangerous chemical. What you don’t know CAN hurt you and others throughout the world.” –http://www.dhmo.org

As my grandfather always used to say…

Grandfather: “A little alcohol never hurt anybody… unless it was rubbing alcohol!”

As my grandfather always used to say…

Grandfather: “There’s no ‘I’ in ‘team’… although there is laughter in manslaughter!”

As my grandfather always used to say…

Grandfather: “May your whites be bright and merry, and may all your days be Christmas!”